I think I might have reached the dreaded "Anger Stage." I might skip writing about this part.

A little tip to anyone who loses a boyfriend and plans to run a half marathon in the same month: choose a race in Florida. This was our view from a 60.00 per night hotel in Fort Lauderdale.
The race started at 6:13 am, which isn't a bad thing for an early freak like me, but even M understood once we stood at the starting line in 60 degree temps. The course ran out and back on A1A - a stretch of road next to the ocean. While I am not that fond of watching people run back towards the finish line as I haven't yet made the turn around, I still loved everything about this race and plan to do it every year. I am proud of my friend who did not train past 6 mile runs and still made it to 7 miles without stopping. We ran slow, and my lungs didn't do any work until I left my friend at mile 11 and kicked it into gear. Still near the end of the pack because there is only so much you can make up in 2 miles, but I wanted to keep my commitment to run with M.
The endorphins that hit you when you are down about losing your best friend are priceless, but I cried a little at the end when I realized he would be my first phone call and that was no longer an option. On Saturday he came with his brother to get the rest of his stuff and sent M a text message letting her know how brutal it was. I snuck into the bathroom at Seasons 52 to cry a little.
We ate breakfast at a place on the pier that we had found the day before - eggs with spinach and feta. I knew I wanted to get as much protein in as I could, but my appetite was still not at 100% so I snuck the toast to the birds on the sand below. The Restaurant Mgr says they steal the sugar packets from his tables...sometimes even the fake sugar.
M took a nap in the shade while I tried to swim in the ocean, but there were rip tide warnings and my body didn't feel like battling the waves so I went to the heated hotel pool and did some laps to get the lactic acid out of my legs. I didn't have a good book with me, which was disappointing.
Later, the universe gave me a little going away souvenier from FLA - a head cold that came on quickly as I was enjoying a post race dinner of french onion soup and a salad with walnuts. This vegetarian thing works very well for me - still no meat cravings and I am eating enough protein in other sources. I really am serious about the cold being a gift though...because by the time i made it to my Victor-less home I had no choice but to throw a load of laundry in and rest on the couch for the remainder of the night. I wanted to call my sis in law but my voice was gone. I took a hot bath, and sipped a cup of Theraflu, thankful for a reason NOT to be anxious and depressed. I am OK in the moments. I find that nothing stops a freak out about the future quite like stopping to wiggle my toes and tell myself that I am OK. Victor is OK too.
Monique's own complicated relationship created enough drama for us both, and she called a few times last night sad that things aren't quite going as she expected. I tried to cheerlead her with my raspy voice.
I want to head to the gym this am but think that it is not wise...I will give it one more day. More Sudafed with coffee for breakfast along with a frozen waffle and peanut butter. There is grocery shopping to do.
Onward, right?

Two people saved my life last night, and one other gave it a shot.

Victor is gone from my life. He came over Wednesday night and we had a normal evening of TV and talking about our days, and then had coffee the next morning. Nothing new, or out of the ordinary. However, as he was getting ready to leave for work, he made "the face" - the one in which I know something is wrong and pressed him on it. He told me that there was a letter waiting for me on my computer. It's not even that I had to read it to know what was coming, so I told him that this was it and I walked a few things out to his car with him and gave him his birthday presents from the cats and I. (His birthday is tomorrow, and his twin is here to hang out with him from MPLS.)

I read the letter and got ready for work. I was sad but not surprised. He couldn't say goodbye to me in person so he had to say it in a letter. I made it to the office and got some things done while ignoring what was left of my heart falling on to the floor in little pieces. Once home, I sent him an email relieving him of weekend cat sitting duties (I leave today for a half marathon in south FLA and he was going to take care of the cats) and set about gathering the stuff that belongs to him so that he and his brother can come and get it. I told him in the email to leave the key under the mat and I asked my neighbor if she wouldn't mind watching the cats for the weekend.

I called my Dad, who loves me but also loves Victor and who never utters a bad word about anyone. His advice is stored in a place in my head for future processing because the grief? It's too much. I had to stop listening. I felt like I was going to die with the phone in my hand and I HAD to get out of house. I told my dad that I would call him back and I set out for the river. The cat watched me drive away and I didn't even close the door all of the way, I just drove away. When I got to the river it was too dark to walk and I took a few deep breaths and went back home. My neighbor was in my house - her cat wandered in (he does this because I give him treats) and she was worried because the door was open. We went to her house and I sat on her ottoman and told her the rest of the story. (She is not just my neighbor, but a good, good friend who knows what has been going on these past few months.) She was angry at Victor for the letter but she was also speaking from MY gut - the things being drowned out by the grief. She gave it a voice, She reminded me about things that I couldn't remember on my own because all that I could do was look at what I was losing. Fear got the best of me and she brought me back to reality.

I came back to my own home, exhausted but slightly lighter, and watched some crap TV with two cats on my lap. The second life saver called...my sister in law and friend Kari. She told me a story from her own past about staying in a place when she should have left, and how damaging that really is. She likes me and doesn't think that I am a freak. She made an offer to be "that person" - the one I call when I feel like it is all too much and I need to call Victor. I didn't even have to ask, she offered this.

I don't know what I did to deserve these people in my life and I don't want to worry about that right now. It has never been more important to walk through the moments and not think about the whats and the whys - it is all too much for this grieving brain. Perspective will just have to come on it's own as I hang to these life lines and continue to try and trust the Universe with everything I have. Is this what is supposed to happen? Do I lose everything including the world's greatest boyfriend in order to find a life of peace???

Ok. You're in charge, Universe, I am sorry if I sound ungrateful or if there are days (like yesterday) in which I go kicking and screaming like a 2 year old. I can't promise you anything other than this: bring it on. I will cry and scream and kick but I am open.

I am open.

How do you thank people for saving you?

I've mentioned this before, but there are pages and pages of Barnes and Noble soft journals being filled, while blogging becomes harder. Writing is easier when you know it ends up in a drawer where no one can see it. Duh on this.
Some random things around here:
- I like sleeping alone. Maybe I won't always feel this way, but one of the things I fall back on these days is that you can't "pre-feel" stuff. Ok, you can, but it isn't going to make things easier when you do actually have to feel it at the right time. Does that make sense? It's like those people who fight with their husbands but are more afraid of being single because they remember how that felt and they don't want to go back. I'm not advocating divorce, I'm not advocating anything...really. I am just enjoying my own current situation, which involves waking up and drinking my own coffee without worrying about making noise in the kitchen. I am enjoying the fact that I can let my own cat out the door to watch her sit under the cars in the lot without the guy who wants to kill coyotes judge this decision.
Victor is still the best guy I know and we are not completely over...but the situation we chose was no longer working. He had his toe in the shallow end. I suppose I did as well, but I think I could have gone deeper. I don't know. It also seems as if our "ending" is as odd as our living arrangement. We spend weekends together doing the things we always do, but it isn't a given that he will just bring more shirts and stay here.
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I want to talk about work but I can't. Thinking of a password protected post.

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More rain pummelled us yesterday, the remnants of a late hurricane named Ida. Ida left the cars covered in leaves but it appears she is gone today. On Friday, I leave with my best friend to Ft. Lauderdale for a half marathon near the beach. I am excited about this - more excited than a normal person should be, really. On Sunday, the weather here was perfect and I went out to Stone Mountain and ran with an I pod in my ear and kicked each hill in the ass. There is ONE hill in particular that has always stopped me. It is a 5.1 mile loop of nothing but hills and this particular one is near the end of the loop. I didn't stop. If there were a way to high five myself I would have. There is a drinking fountain at the top and it could just be me but it's the best water EVER out of that fountain.
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It is early Saturday and I am sitting at my desk with frozen fingers and frozen toes, watching my cat cat chase things in dead leaves. To me, the scent of those dead leaves is just about the best smell ever. Yesterday, I left the office early and threw on my cut off sweats for a run near the river. My Ipod died midway through a Springsteen song and I was left with the soundtrack of my own breathing and my running shoes hitting the leaves. Crunch, crunch. I plan to do it all over again today.
I have never felt so many emotions before that contradict each other. Sadness, Happiness, Immense Fear, Immense bravado. I find myself smack dab in the middle of moments...living them without worrying about what is going to happen next. And I think that this is my reward for making the agreement with the Universe. It is the best reward a girl could ask for. I don't know what is going to happen next, and I LOVE this part. It's like that part in the movie Garden State where the main character tells the guy in the trailer to "enjoy the abyss" and he says "you too." I enjoy the abyss.
The weekend plan includes deep dish pizza with a few new friends, and a trip to the outlet mall to find some cardigan sweaters. Office life means cold to hot - so the best uniform consists of t shirts with sweaters over them. I want boots, but I don't think my legs look good in them. I tried on a pair I could afford and wasn't impressed. This COULD be because I tried them on with running shorts and that's not a look anyone can pull off. What shoes do people where with black tights other than boots?
There is a car to clean out and an overflowing recycling bin to take to the farmer's market. There is a warm book store with hot tea waiting for me later on. I had this idea to make my friends coupon books for Christmas and I have to get started on that. I want to give them coupons that say "good for one dead battery jump, anytime, anyplace". That sort of thing. I want to take pictures to attach to the coupons.
The elephant is still here. Victor too. More talking. Last night he came over and handed me a suicide note from a 16 year old girl (who is ok, but in his hospital for the attempt) and I cried my eyes out for this person who does not know that life will change a million times over if she lets it happen. I remember 16 and it isn't pretty, thinking that life will stay the same. That feeling isn't great at 49 either, which is why I am glad that I know what I know.
What a wonderful, weird, sad, happy odd ride this whole thing is.

November, already? Where did October go? My online web design class has taken a back seat to some work related training, so the changes I plan to make to this blog will be minimal for now. It's not going away. I am not going away.
Basically, after 7+years - Victor and I are now in a place that resembles a break up. I say this because our relationship was never conventional...we always maintained our own mortgages and seldom talked of another plan. Whether or not this was wise doesn't really matter: he is not happy and feels afraid to leave. The sliver of self respect that I DO have tells me that I deserve more than a guy who stays because he is afraid. On Sunday, one of our many "talks" between DVD episodes of Dexter and all of the other stuff we pay attention to in order to avoid the elephant in the corner brought it all to the surface. The elephant walks around freely now and if you've seen my place, you should know there isn't room for all of us.
Me? I am learning how to listen to my gut. It involves taking a decision and weighing it carefully - finding out if it brings me any peace.
I am OK.
I walked up to a person at my gym this morning and asked him to train for the Muddy Buddy race with me. He said yes, and his yes was emphatic. I am running a half marathon next weekend in Florida with my buddy M. My family showered me with love at the beginning of October and I still feel it. I have friends.
Had I known what the universe had in store for me when I agreed to meeting at the halfway mark, would I have said yes? Sometimes....eh, not so much. But mostly, yes. I continue to find the moments of peace.
I am open.
I am OK.

What's happening in these parts....

Have I ever really conveyed just how much I hate the snow and cold? I suppose it should be a bit of a surprise to say that I managed a 5k run with Sandra (!!) in Minneapolis under unusual fall conditions. These same conditions also meant a cancelled flight and an extra day, but since my Dad lives 90 minutes from the airport - most of the extra time was spent in the car. Oy. Airtran send me a 50 dollar GC for my trouble and frankly I was thrilled, since it was the hard rain in Atlanta keeping the flights down...NOT the fault of any airline.

The trip was great and I OD'd on the wonderful, loud experience that is my family, only to come home and be ready to OD again. Holy Crap I love those people. My brothers and Dad managed to marry people I would have chosen as friends - not a bad one in the bunch. I felt myself talking WAY too much though - I imagine they were happy for the silence once my plane finally got off the ground.

Sandra is every bit as cool as she is on her blog. I listened to her talk about her love for animals and her plans to continue her education, and came home with a few ideas of my own. I think I am the cowbird of motivation: I weasel my way into conversations with witty, smart people and then go home to pretend that I am one of them. The school apps are completed and the process has begun.

Now, I am home and the weather here is playing it's own game: 70 at night, 45 during the day. I bought a new, smaller desk at IKEA that fits better into my sun room, allowing me space to write and watch for coyotes. Victor saw one last night about 20 feet from the door and actually wondered if the coyote would come inside if the door were left open. Brave little F*ckers.

I helped the BFF move yesterday...got a little frustrated with her lack of packing beforehand. She is who she is - someone with her own timetable altogether. 30 minutes means 90. So, I've learned to wait at home until she arrives somewhere rather than say I will meet her directly. Today I will take another load over but not dawdle. I've got laundry and packing for a week in Orlando for a class. I am stoked for the class really. I've taken classes at this particular training facility before and loved it. I stay at the same hotel: close to a mall with a bookstore and a Seasons 52 restaurant. Victor has graciously offered to stay with the cats here.

Happy Sunday!